If I were President…
I was wondering the other day, if I ran for president, what would be my campaign promises? I made a list I’m certain can get me elected.
First, I’m going to change my name where its more memorable. For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you know me as Kelly or KLSouth. I now would like to be called Ocho Kelly.
So what would I do?
- Through executive order, I would make sure that Lyndsey Lohan, Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton could never procreate.
- I would make the day after the Super Bowl a nationalized holiday.
- I would bring on Donald Trump as my Secretary of Apprentice and then fire him.
- I would convey my plan for world peace by building up our military.
- I would tattoo an American flag with the words, “In God we trust,” on the forehead of every atheist.
- I would seat Mitt Romney next to George Hamilton as part of a Congressional inquiry and demand that the ‘real’ George Hamilton stand up.
- I would announce, in all sincerity, to every corner of the world, that the White House Rose Garden, is now a petting zoo.
- I would, through Executive Order, ban vague, rambling speeches that pander to the public & have no basis in fact.
- I would ban rap music. It sux.
- I would create a new government agency dedicated to the eradication of SPAM.
- I’d make Cheech and Chong Secretary of Agriculture. Let the stoned stay stoned. They’ll sleep-in on election day.
- I’d ban Valentines Day… and replace it with Mardi Gras.
- I would be an American.
- I would send a smiling, warm autographed photo of me to every foreign Leader with the words written with a Sharpie “Don’t Tread on Me”
- I’d appoint a Secretary of Humor to my cabinet.
- I’d suggest forced sodomy of high government officials who don’t support the constitution.
- I’d make Former President Obama bowl against special needs people.
- I would put up a wall on our borders that would make the Great Wall of China look like it was made out of Leggo blocks.
- I’d move the White House to Hawaii.
- I’d stop playing games in Iraq and take 40% of their oil as payment for the war. I’d call it, “Kiss My A**, You Owe Us Act”
- I’d remove The Saudi’s diplomatic immunities just because their spoiled brats.
- I’d put a high tariff on foreign production. If you pay someone in India for your call center, then every dollar you pay them there will be taxed here.
- I’d give 24-hour notice to the people of Iran to get out and watch the fireworks fly.
- I’d provide U.S. citizenship to any bloke who finds Osama Bin Laden and Rosie O’Donnell’s assets.
- I’d campaign in all 57 states.
- I’d institute a “Talent Night at the Apollo” at the RNC.
- Stop funding NPR & Planned Parenthood.
- Undo the restrictions on the Second Amendment, and keep the Right to Bear Arms free of gun ban regulations.
- I would make the English Language mandatory in order to be a citizen of this country; and you must learn and fully know the history of our country and flag.
- I would embrace Mexico’s Immigration policy in the US and ‘enforce it’.
- I would requires all employers to participate in a federal electronic employment verification system.
- I would impose sever civil penalties on companies who hire illegal aliens. Multiple offenses subjects an employer to criminal penalties; imprisonment up to 2 1/2 years for offending company officers.
- I’d fire all previous appointees and hire those loyal to the Constitution.
- I’d ratchet up the most active DOJ ever created to go after city and state political corruption, Illegal immigration and corporate irregularities.
- I’d eliminate ‘political correctness’ in the bully pulpit of the White House.
- I’d create an infrastructure society free of an antiquated electrical grid system and build a communication network of fiber optics, underground cables, security measures while eliminating street poles.
- I would eliminate the Department of Education, Energy, IRS & EPA… and move responsibilities to the states.
- I’d request that History classes be required for 4 years in High School.
- I would reduce by 50% welfare, energy assistance, food stamps, the WICK Program.
- I would turn welfare into a temporary program that would prove to have all who apply for it off of it and independent of it within 3 to 5 years.
- I’d build ‘economic manufacturing development centers’ across the US that bring jobs home from other countries through broad based tax incentives.
- I’d put a high tariff on foreign production.
- I would re-organize FEMA.
- I would cut the capital gains tax to zero for 5 years.
- I would eliminate all luxury taxes. It only ruins the economy anyway.
- I would eliminate the death tax.
- I would bring prayer and uniforms back into our school systems.
- I’d make Easter a Federal holiday.
- I’d cut Foreign assistance by 50%.
- I’d cut across-the-board discretionary spending by 50%.
- I’d audit the Federal reserve, first, as discovery, then eliminate it.
- I’d move toward state sovereignty rights. Allowing the states decide issues regarding Abortion / Gay Marriage etc. while also introducing a constitutional “Marriage Amendment’ between a man and a woman.
- I would get the US out of the UN and the UN out of the US.
- I would strike all ‘protected class’ hate crime regulations. A crime is a crime.
- I’d reduce the Appeals process to one-year for heinous criminals and support capital punishment.
- I’d introduce a law where child molesters get a minimum of 20 years in prison and ankle bracelets for life.
- I would impose restrictive access and greater restrictions on federal lobbying.
- I would pass a law forbidding contributions with campaign finance reform and implement publicly funded elections only. All money for campaigns would come from the government, with a limit of spending per candidate.
- I would immediately move toward ‘reality-based’ Tort reform.
- I would require mandatory overhaul of all school books in public schools.
- I’d push for strong school voucher programs.
- I would create tax incentives for corporations to provide technology for all K-12 schools.
- I would repeal and replace the exiting ObamaCare legislation to free market mechanisms.
- I’d make across-the-board cuts in the marginal tax rates.
- I would extend the Bush tax cuts: increased child tax credit and eliminate the so-called “marriage penalty”, which are set to expire in 2011.
- I’d move to outlaw earmarks.
- I would advance and support Paul Ryan’s “entitlement Cost Reduction’ plan.
- I would accelerate off-shore, land-based drilling; ANWAR and nuclear technology as a replacement for foreign reliance on oil.
- I’d slow and reverse the growing percentage of legal immigration.
- I’d dismantle and investigate criminal wrongdoing on the global warming & Cap’n Trade farce.
- I would reduce the size & scope by 50% of all business regulations.
- I’d institute monetary policy where small businesses get fair access to capital, bank loans, etc.
- I’d introduce legislation protecting the free-market principles of the internet.
- I’d cut corporate taxes with US business expansion tax credit incentives.
- I’d defund and eliminate any and all union funding and would pursue, where possible, criminal activities.
- I would introduce a “Balanced Budget” Amendment.
- I’d eliminate the requirement that one must belong to a union to work on a govt. project/contracts.
- I’d eliminate and reverse any Affirmative Action policies.
- I’d replace Michael Steele as the RNC Chair.
- I’d establish an audit agency to reduce government ‘pricing’ and ‘waste.’
- I’d introduce a spending freeze on Congressional member pay.
- I’d introduce term-limits on Congress.
- I would introduce ‘Bloggers’ into the press room and reduce the scope of traditional media.
Republicans need the political equivalent of Alcoholics Anonymous. First, they must admit their problem (many are in denial). Next, they must promise never to do it again. The political establishment is averse to conservative boat-rockers, which is why conservatives should withhold financial support from all GOP national committees and establishment politicians but support principled organizations and candidates.
The Republican Party is much like the Catholic Church, an old institution with a rich history and tradition. I do believe in the Catechism of the Republican Party which I understand as follows:
1) A belief in limited government and lower taxes.
2) A belief in capitalism and free markets.
3) A belief in rule of law and the notion that judges should interpret the law, not make their own laws.
5) A belief in a strong national defense and secure borders.
6) A belief in the traditional Judeo-Christian value system which is the solid bedrock of Western civilization.
The four pillars of Ronald Reagan’s economic policy were to:
1. Reduce government spending,
2. Reduce income and capital gains marginal tax rates,
3. Reduce government regulation of the economy,
4. Control the money supply to reduce inflation.
Thomas Jefferson wrote, “I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical.”
So, remember when you go to the polls November 2012, vote “Ocho Kelly” for President.
Not a bad first four years.
I’m Ocho Kelly and I approved this message.